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floraroe21

New member
Dec 20, 2021
2
4
3
canada
I dont know if this is the right place to post this or what I am even really asking but I don't feel ready to talk to anyone I know about it. I have been married to a man for a few years we just had a baby together a year ago and I do love him and our child. However I have been starting to wonder a bit more about myself. I always found myself interested in other girls growing up and assumed it was just because I was looking at their hair, makeup, clothes ect. Like i wanted to be them. My family was good and told me I could date who I wanted but I do remember my mother telling me she hoped I was straight because life would be easier. I didn't start dating or showing any interest in boys til pretty late after a lot of pressure from people to maybe get a boyfriend. When I did start dating it went fine and I am still with my high school sweetheart. I now am wondering if because of this I never had the chance to even think for a second that I am not straight. I think seeing so many more lesbian couples in media and on social media is making me start to be more aware of things. I cant stop feeling like I missed my chance to explore this, and ever time I think about getting to date or be with a woman I feel this sadness that I never got to and also this excitement because I want to. I have always noticed women I am attracted to but never realized it was attraction because I assumed I was straight. But I still feel like my husband is right for me and we are good together and I love him and or child and our life. I don't think this is worth ruining it over but I also feel like I never really got to live my life or be who I want to be. Anyone else experience this and know how to get myself back to feeling ok with where I am in life? I just don't know what I am or feeling like I can identify as anything but straight since I have only ever been with men?
 

Gigi

Active member
Jul 2, 2021
187
137
43
Brighton
Ciao floraroe21,

you’re welcome to our wonderful community. And yes, you’re not alone with your feelings. When Kinsey published his scale from straight = 0 to gay = 6 with bi in the middle, he described the hypothesis that there’s not only black and white, but also a lot of shading between. Might be, you’re more on the straight side, but interested in a same sex relationship; and after having lived such a reality turning back to a man... might be you like it so much, that you’ll never be together with a man again.

Sexual orientation and behaviour is a fluent thing, your desires become more or less urgent to the one or to the other side, although a basic line is there.

And it’s a question of attraction. What are you attracted to? To the male or more to the female body? Or more to the personality of someone regardless it’s gender?

There’re those more fundamental questions and then there’s our reality. We’re married with children. I’m still together with my spouse, although in in parts separated ways. I didn’t give up our relationship, for the price that I sometimes feel depressed, thinking about the “what ifs”, longing for a boyfriend...

There’s no right or wrong. I don’t know if it’s possible to talk openly to your husband. I always avoided this talk. But every relationship is unique, so I fear you’ll not get advices for a silver bullet.

Anyway, there’re a lot of women and men struggling like you and me. You’re not alone. Please feel taken in a bear hug.

Gigi
 

floraroe21

New member
Dec 20, 2021
2
4
3
canada
Ciao floraroe21,

you’re welcome to our wonderful community. And yes, you’re not alone with your feelings. When Kinsey published his scale from straight = 0 to gay = 6 with bi in the middle, he described the hypothesis that there’s not only black and white, but also a lot of shading between. Might be, you’re more on the straight side, but interested in a same sex relationship; and after having lived such a reality turning back to a man... might be you like it so much, that you’ll never be together with a man again.

Sexual orientation and behaviour is a fluent thing, your desires become more or less urgent to the one or to the other side, although a basic line is there.

And it’s a question of attraction. What are you attracted to? To the male or more to the female body? Or more to the personality of someone regardless it’s gender?

There’re those more fundamental questions and then there’s our reality. We’re married with children. I’m still together with my spouse, although in in parts separated ways. I didn’t give up our relationship, for the price that I sometimes feel depressed, thinking about the “what ifs”, longing for a boyfriend...

There’s no right or wrong. I don’t know if it’s possible to talk openly to your husband. I always avoided this talk. But every relationship is unique, so I fear you’ll not get advices for a silver bullet.

Anyway, there’re a lot of women and men struggling like you and me. You’re not alone. Please feel taken in a bear hug.

Gigi
Thank you so much for the kind response! I still don't know if I will talk with my husband about it or not. But it is nice to know I am not alone in this feeling or the being in a realtionship I want ot keep while still be uncertain. Just knowing someone understands helps.
 

SimplyDavy

Member
Dec 22, 2021
29
26
13
Florida
youtube.com

@floraroe21

I cannot really relate to your situation. I am a gay man and have known that for sure since I was around 11 years old, BUT I do know that this is NOT necessarily a situation of one or the other. As was stated above, human sexuality is full on diverse. You could be bisexual but more attracted to women, but this does not in any way invalidate your love and devotion to your husband. And your longing may not be totally related to your sexuality. I mean it's quite common for people in relationships to get restless or long for their days of being single with supposedly endless dating possibilities. Someone said you are not likely to find a "magic Bullet" response and that is true, because every relationship is a unique entity. I can only say if it were me, I would feel compelled to share my feelings with my spouse or boyfriend, because although there are no certainties in life, I would like to think I had chosen someone who could handle me having feelings that they may not understand. In the end it would be up to the two of us to explore other arrangements. Like I said it doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are polyamorous relationships, and open relationships with certain guidelines or rules. The only way you can figure those options out are to explore this with your husband. I know it is super scary to trust and have faith like that especially given you have a child have to consider their wellbeing in all this. You may feel the risk of losing what you have is not worth having that conversation. It's going to take some deep consideration of the current strength and state of your relationship and whether that is enough to give your the joy and happiness you deserve. You do deserve that.

I don't know if any of this was helpful or not, but in my relationships I have always desired openness and realness with my partner. Yes, sometimes that led down the road to a breakup, but I really never regretted my candor and authenticity after the dust settled. I went on to have other relationships and I am happy today even though I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. Good luck. For what it's worth we're here to listen.
 
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Gigi

Active member
Jul 2, 2021
187
137
43
Brighton

@floraroe21

I cannot really relate to your situation. I am a gay man and have known that for sure since I was around 11 years old, BUT I do know that this is NOT necessarily a situation of one or the other. As was stated above, human sexuality is full on diverse. You could be bisexual but more attracted to women, but this does not in any way invalidate your love and devotion to your husband. And your longing may not be totally related to your sexuality. I mean it's quite common for people in relationships to get restless or long for their days of being single with supposedly endless dating possibilities. Someone said you are not likely to find a "magic Bullet" response and that is true, because every relationship is a unique entity. I can only say if it were me, I would feel compelled to share my feelings with my spouse or boyfriend, because although there are no certainties in life, I would like to think I had chosen someone who could handle me having feelings that they may not understand. In the end it would be up to the two of us to explore other arrangements. Like I said it doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are polyamorous relationships, and open relationships with certain guidelines or rules. The only way you can figure those options out are to explore this with your husband. I know it is super scary to trust and have faith like that especially given you have a child have to consider their wellbeing in all this. You may feel the risk of losing what you have is not worth having that conversation. It's going to take some deep consideration of the current strength and state of your relationship and whether that is enough to give your the joy and happiness you deserve. You do deserve that.

I don't know if any of this was helpful or not, but in my relationships I have always desired openness and realness with my partner. Yes, sometimes that led down the road to a breakup, but I really never regretted my candor and authenticity after the dust settled. I went on to have other relationships and I am happy today even though I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. Good luck. For what it's worth we're here to listen.
Hi SimplyDavy,

it’s been me mentioning the silver bullet, and yes although for myself I found none. Basically you’re right, everyone in a relationship should be real and open, but...

When I was young and started mine I absolutely hadn’t come to terms with myself. Lucky you that you knew what your attraction to boys meant. When I was young the word gay with the meaning of today was unknown. But I had heard vaguely about those disgusting homosexuals who were sent to prison when caught in the act.... So when we helped one another out at the Boy Scouts I didn’t conclude to be such a homosexual. Later I became a faithful husband and father of lovely children and remained in the closet. And often I’m not a happy camper.

We’re all different with different stories.

I only wish floraroe21 a way to become happy, whatever decision she’ll make up.

Gigi
 
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SimplyDavy

Member
Dec 22, 2021
29
26
13
Florida
youtube.com
Hi SimplyDavy,

it’s been me mentioning the silver bullet, and yes although for myself I found none. Basically you’re right, everyone in a relationship should be real and open, but...

When I was young and started mine I absolutely hadn’t come to terms with myself. Lucky you that you knew what your attraction to boys meant. When I was young the word gay with the meaning of today was unknown. But I had heard vaguely about those disgusting homosexuals who were sent to prison when caught in the act.... So when we helped one another out at the Boy Scouts I didn’t conclude to be such a homosexual. Later I became a faithful husband and father of lovely children and remained in the closet. And often I’m not a happy camper.

We’re all different with different stories.

I only wish floraroe21 a way to become happy, whatever decision she’ll make up.

Gigi
I hear you! Each generation has built on the work of the previous one. I don't know what generation you are, but I am gen X. I grew up in the early post Stonewall era and when I became an older teen I claimed my place in the fight. We were Queer Nation. When I look at the 80s I am amazed at how homophobic the movies were that we grew up with. Everyone was convinced we all had AIDS and deserved it, and they thought just talking to us would infect them. I was harassed at school and ran a lot from the homophobic bullies out to pound my arse, BUT we had had Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, Jimmy Somerville and Madonna and we were organised. We had a community. AMEN! I did paid for being a bit flamboyant and "knowing" who I was, but I regret nothing. And you are absolutely correct. We all must make our own way, but we have those that came before to support us and help guide us. Anything I say is obviously only my story and advice, and it's great when more voices share their tales. That way those seeking can have more information on how to best proceed in their situations.
 
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