I'm Kind of Torn, Feel Trapped


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Axle2152

New member
Sep 1, 2021
18
17
3
North Carolina
www.lgbtqforums.com
Here's the TL;DR to this. I'm not sure that I'm 100% gay and seems all relationships fail rather quickly (~2 years), I want kids and that doesn't seem very likely at this point, my foolishness with money has caused a some problems, my self-worth is in the gutter and perhaps there's good justification for it, I still have a thing for the girl I dated in highschool and it's probably a pipe dream at best. Try to be gentle with your judgement, I'm well aware of my mistakes.

I'm 35 now. I came out of the closet over 10 years ago, might be closer to 15 now. For a long time I just accepted the fact that I am gay but I've just never been comfortable (I know more context is needed, I'll dive into that later on). I sometimes question myself about whether I am strictly gay or not. I have thought about dating women but I haven't done so since I was in high school. So, I am in almost every way clueless. I also feel trapped by the gay label. After all, where do you even start with explaining to a woman you're (hypothetically) dating that you've had relationships with guys. I mean we would like to think that everyone is open minded to everything but I think that might be a bridge too far for some and yes things aren't going to work out between me and some ulta-conservative person. I know that I am making assumptions on how people might react. Perhaps I am concerned about all the wrong things.

This might sound pathetic but this girl I dated way back when I was 15, we still talk time to time. I still have a thing for her. I regretted ever breaking up with her almost 20 years ago now, not that I think that me 15 years ago or more recent would have made it work but I always hoped we would hitch back up again. One of the very few people in my life I can truly say I have had a crush on. She's never settled down with anyone but I do feel that it is unlikely that she and I would ever date again, let alone all this other stuff. But the chance is not zero, but I may just have better luck with the lottery.

Of course, I would have hoped I would have made more progress in life by now and thanks to some boneheaded financial choices that ultimately led me to bankruptcy and still living at home, I feel like I've just wasted my time with stupid selfish endeavors to put it bluntly. Whether it was a car, a hobby or whatever, it is like I just missed the big picture. I just have this cloud over me, I always feel guilty, unworthy because of it. Thinking who in their right fucking mind would date me. I'm 35, live at home, overweight and on and on. I mean seriously, who would want to get in a serious relationship with me. I know things will get better financially, because they have to, I can't take on new hobbies and do stupid shit like trade in cars that I'm upside down on for a new one. Those days are over. I just worry that the time has done run out.
 

Mark Laymon

Mark Laymon
Staff member
May 11, 2020
176
35
28
Florida
LGBT.net
Here's the TL;DR to this. I'm not sure that I'm 100% gay and seems all relationships fail rather quickly (~2 years), I want kids and that doesn't seem very likely at this point, my foolishness with money has caused a some problems, my self-worth is in the gutter and perhaps there's good justification for it, I still have a thing for the girl I dated in highschool and it's probably a pipe dream at best. Try to be gentle with your judgement, I'm well aware of my mistakes.

I'm 35 now. I came out of the closet over 10 years ago, might be closer to 15 now. For a long time I just accepted the fact that I am gay but I've just never been comfortable (I know more context is needed, I'll dive into that later on). I sometimes question myself about whether I am strictly gay or not. I have thought about dating women but I haven't done so since I was in high school. So, I am in almost every way clueless. I also feel trapped by the gay label. After all, where do you even start with explaining to a woman you're (hypothetically) dating that you've had relationships with guys. I mean we would like to think that everyone is open minded to everything but I think that might be a bridge too far for some and yes things aren't going to work out between me and some ulta-conservative person. I know that I am making assumptions on how people might react. Perhaps I am concerned about all the wrong things.

This might sound pathetic but this girl I dated way back when I was 15, we still talk time to time. I still have a thing for her. I regretted ever breaking up with her almost 20 years ago now, not that I think that me 15 years ago or more recent would have made it work but I always hoped we would hitch back up again. One of the very few people in my life I can truly say I have had a crush on. She's never settled down with anyone but I do feel that it is unlikely that she and I would ever date again, let alone all this other stuff. But the chance is not zero, but I may just have better luck with the lottery.

Of course, I would have hoped I would have made more progress in life by now and thanks to some boneheaded financial choices that ultimately led me to bankruptcy and still living at home, I feel like I've just wasted my time with stupid selfish endeavors to put it bluntly. Whether it was a car, a hobby or whatever, it is like I just missed the big picture. I just have this cloud over me, I always feel guilty, unworthy because of it. Thinking who in their right fucking mind would date me. I'm 35, live at home, overweight and on and on. I mean seriously, who would want to get in a serious relationship with me. I know things will get better financially, because they have to, I can't take on new hobbies and do stupid shit like trade in cars that I'm upside down on for a new one. Those days are over. I just worry that the time has done run out.
Please share your Blog! Don't hesitate to share links here. I almost missed the link page. You can add them in your posts too!
 
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Axle2152

New member
Sep 1, 2021
18
17
3
North Carolina
www.lgbtqforums.com
I know that it is separate, most people will open up more as they get to know you. This is a great way to create a response to your post.
That is true. And that is a lot of stuff to unpack. I worry that when I make long posts about such things that if I don't go into enough detail then people might get the wrong idea but if I get too long winded then people aren't going to read the whole thing.

But I do feel that I am not the only person who has felt that way. Life is a bit of a mess, relationships keep bombing out and I feel like time is running out to both get my shit together and settle down with someone. I guess I could have just posted that :ROFLMAO:
 

Mark Laymon

Mark Laymon
Staff member
May 11, 2020
176
35
28
Florida
LGBT.net
That is true. And that is a lot of stuff to unpack. I worry that when I make long posts about such things that if I don't go into enough detail then people might get the wrong idea but if I get too long winded then people aren't going to read the whole thing.

But I do feel that I am not the only person who has felt that way. Life is a bit of a mess, relationships keep bombing out and I feel like time is running out to both get my shit together and settle down with someone. I guess I could have just posted that :ROFLMAO:
Usually the more detail gives more context to the question or statement. In your case gives more information on finding an outcome to a question. So long posts are good.
 

Gigi

Member
Jul 2, 2021
50
37
18
Brighton
Here's the TL;DR to this. I'm not sure that I'm 100% gay and seems all relationships fail rather quickly (~2 years), I want kids and that doesn't seem very likely at this point, my foolishness with money has caused a some problems, my self-worth is in the gutter and perhaps there's good justification for it, I still have a thing for the girl I dated in highschool and it's probably a pipe dream at best. Try to be gentle with your judgement, I'm well aware of my mistakes.

I'm 35 now. I came out of the closet over 10 years ago, might be closer to 15 now. For a long time I just accepted the fact that I am gay but I've just never been comfortable (I know more context is needed, I'll dive into that later on). I sometimes question myself about whether I am strictly gay or not. I have thought about dating women but I haven't done so since I was in high school. So, I am in almost every way clueless. I also feel trapped by the gay label. After all, where do you even start with explaining to a woman you're (hypothetically) dating that you've had relationships with guys. I mean we would like to think that everyone is open minded to everything but I think that might be a bridge too far for some and yes things aren't going to work out between me and some ulta-conservative person. I know that I am making assumptions on how people might react. Perhaps I am concerned about all the wrong things.

This might sound pathetic but this girl I dated way back when I was 15, we still talk time to time. I still have a thing for her. I regretted ever breaking up with her almost 20 years ago now, not that I think that me 15 years ago or more recent would have made it work but I always hoped we would hitch back up again. One of the very few people in my life I can truly say I have had a crush on. She's never settled down with anyone but I do feel that it is unlikely that she and I would ever date again, let alone all this other stuff. But the chance is not zero, but I may just have better luck with the lottery.

Of course, I would have hoped I would have made more progress in life by now and thanks to some boneheaded financial choices that ultimately led me to bankruptcy and still living at home, I feel like I've just wasted my time with stupid selfish endeavors to put it bluntly. Whether it was a car, a hobby or whatever, it is like I just missed the big picture. I just have this cloud over me, I always feel guilty, unworthy because of it. Thinking who in their right fucking mind would date me. I'm 35, live at home, overweight and on and on. I mean seriously, who would want to get in a serious relationship with me. I know things will get better financially, because they have to, I can't take on new hobbies and do stupid shit like trade in cars that I'm upside down on for a new one. Those days are over. I just worry that the time has done run out.
Hi Axle,

it’s some days now that I read your introduction for the first time. I thought and rethought about your first crush, when you were 15. It reminded me to my first crush, we were still teens, but I never had the guts to ask him to become my boyfriend.

I’m not sure if it would have been working; problem for me still today is: I really didn’t try to form a proper relationship.

You’re looking back, you’re dreaming, might be you’re thinking about the what ifs..., but you’re still young; might be better to look forward. And please don’t ask for labels. Kinsey with his scale from straight to gay told us, that there are a lot of shades, although not to forget, sexual orientation is a fluid thing. If the butterflies in your stomach tell you to have met the right person, gender isn’t the important factor, it’s the personality.

Looking forward 👍

Gigi
 
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Axle2152

New member
Sep 1, 2021
18
17
3
North Carolina
www.lgbtqforums.com
It is very likely that had I tried to stick with her all the way back then that one of us would have eventually broke up for some reason. I was very new to the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend at that time, she was my first experience in all that stuff. But she has popped in and out of my life over the years.

It is probably better to look forward and yeah I have to say I have been looking back and thinking what if, or wouldn't have been nice if... It is just so far fetched and unlikely to work out even if we were to actually date. And the reason why I feel like that is some of the off the wall choices she made in recent years. She once talked me into driving her across the state (of NC) to Moorhead City to meet some guy. I was dating someone at the time and I thought it would be nice to be friends. She would tell me things about this guy which were concerning. I warned her and suggested she not meet this guy. Well, long story short, I drove her, she met the guy. I spent the weekend visiting family about a hour and a half away. I mean I was worried about her. I mean she was without her own transportation with some random guy. It's not that she went off and had a fling but seemed that she blindly trusted some guy who's ~15 years older than us and really this guy had no use for her other than sex. I mean this guy could have hurt her, could have killed her who knows what. Luckily that didn't happen but I feel that would be inclined to make reckless choices. Moreover, she's not who I think she is, if that makes sense.

Plus there's other stories. I visited my sister this past weekend and I brought her up and even she's wondering what I see in her. She remember that whole ordeal and thinks I'm silly, for lack of a better word, for still having a thing for her.

When it comes to the labels. It's one of those things where I should take my own advice. I tell people no to adhere to the labels or expectations of such and I fell victim to it, kind of unknowingly. I do feel that there is a stigma about women dating a guy who has slept with guys and that might be an issue for many women? Then again, my experience with that is also pretty much nill.
 

Gigi

Member
Jul 2, 2021
50
37
18
Brighton
It is very likely that had I tried to stick with her all the way back then that one of us would have eventually broke up for some reason. I was very new to the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend at that time, she was my first experience in all that stuff. But she has popped in and out of my life over the years.

It is probably better to look forward and yeah I have to say I have been looking back and thinking what if, or wouldn't have been nice if... It is just so far fetched and unlikely to work out even if we were to actually date. And the reason why I feel like that is some of the off the wall choices she made in recent years. She once talked me into driving her across the state (of NC) to Moorhead City to meet some guy. I was dating someone at the time and I thought it would be nice to be friends. She would tell me things about this guy which were concerning. I warned her and suggested she not meet this guy. Well, long story short, I drove her, she met the guy. I spent the weekend visiting family about a hour and a half away. I mean I was worried about her. I mean she was without her own transportation with some random guy. It's not that she went off and had a fling but seemed that she blindly trusted some guy who's ~15 years older than us and really this guy had no use for her other than sex. I mean this guy could have hurt her, could have killed her who knows what. Luckily that didn't happen but I feel that would be inclined to make reckless choices. Moreover, she's not who I think she is, if that makes sense.

Plus there's other stories. I visited my sister this past weekend and I brought her up and even she's wondering what I see in her. She remember that whole ordeal and thinks I'm silly, for lack of a better word, for still having a thing for her.

When it comes to the labels. It's one of those things where I should take my own advice. I tell people no to adhere to the labels or expectations of such and I fell victim to it, kind of unknowingly. I do feel that there is a stigma about women dating a guy who has slept with guys and that might be an issue for many women? Then again, my experience with that is also pretty much nill.
Hi Axle,

there’s no stigma in general about who’s sleeping with whom. A female friend of mine sleeps with her female neighbour when her male husband is at work and the children at school. They have fun and it’s okay. I’m sure, some people will find this disgusting, betrayal and so on; I don’t. It’s always the circumstances, it’s the personalities involved, we have different views about moral standards, but in my eyes in this case no harm is done - so what.

Also moral standards are changing. Since Christopher Street day in some societies we’re more open minded. Don’t let other people’s prejudices rule your life. If you meet the right person (him/her/...) take your chance.

Gigi

btw
I read your blog about Facebook
I absolutely agree with you 👍
 

Axle2152

New member
Sep 1, 2021
18
17
3
North Carolina
www.lgbtqforums.com
Thanks for reading, I actually forgot about that particular post but that was 3 years ago. I did, unfortunately, get back on and it's the same dumpster fire as it was before. I did come across an open-sourced social network called Mastodon. It is interesting because it is really more of a platform, like I could download the software and create my own social network, so you could have a social network (that resembles Twitter somewhat) that is for a particular interest, maybe LGBTQ for example. So it is kind of better, I have not had trouble with trolls or bigots on the platform but there are sites that exist that are, let's just say undesirable that use the platform (and a lot of them get blacklisted by other sites).

I guess the concern I have about things is largely due to living in rural NC, lots of religious people who are also conservative. I don't find polygamy gross or anything and happy when people are able to make it work out. I have has curiosities about it, not sure if I could make it work but I can see why some like to keep an open relationship. It is really difficult to get out of the monogamous mindset, that the person you're seeing now has to be the person you're with for the rest of your life. As much as I would like to find someone who can stick around for a lifetime, I'm finding that kind of difficult.

I guess I just don't know other ways to meet a lot of people. I do deal with some social anxiety issues, better than I used to be, but I'm not one who enjoys going to a gay bar, a club and things of that sort...besides I'm a long way away from anything like that. Dating apps have been the go to for a long time but they're often terrible by design, either simply there's no one near me on the apps or they cater to people who are just looking for a hookup (Grindr). There's other apps that aren't hookup oriented but then there's the problem of distance and locked out of features unless you want to waste money. Frankly, these apps don't want you to find anyone because then you're not using their app anymore.
 
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