I Think I'm Trans?

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kuragariclouds

New member
Nov 27, 2021
1
0
1
Pennsylvania, USA
Hi, I'm new here and I've never done anything like this before so I'm nervous to even put this out where anyone can see it.

I was a relatively normal kid from what I know. When I hit puberty I tried to adjust to how everyone else my age was changing. I didn't even know what transgender was or what it meant. However I became more knowledgeable as I grew up and was totally fine with people being who they were. When high school started was when everything got confusing for me. While those 4 years were stressful, it wasn't made any easier with what I was questioning about myself. I got into my research at this time and I found out about trans people, transitioning, surgeries, hormones, gender therapy, changing names, to name some topics.

At first I thought I was just really curious about something that I thought was a good thing for people who identified that way. I at least knew I only liked men which wasn't something I was personally conflicted with. My fear was then if I was to come out as trans that people wouldn't also accept that I would then be trans and gay. Every new thought that I felt conflicted about scared me and at the time I confided somewhat in my close friends and no one else since I knew they were accepting.

I hate that I have a chest, my cis genitalia, wide hips, amongst other things about myself. My voice, body, and face have been my top insecurities since I was somewhat young. I'm not photogenic, despise hearing my own voice and always thought I was fat and as of the last few years my dysphoria was slapped on top of that as well as contributing to those insecurities.

When I became more aware of everything I knew about transgender transitioning, I wished that I could have a flat chest, different genitals, a deeper voice, and better body qualities that hormone therapy might help me get. When I was still in high school I was somehow brave enough to cut my hair short to the point where almost every person I didnt know already would think I was a boy which made me really happy on the inside.

This did however backfire on me while at school when I went to use the bathroom based on my assigned gender and a boy walking down the hall called me out. Thankfully no one was in the bathroom or in the hallway at the time but it didn't stop me from almost having a panic attack right there. The bathroom was a weird one that didn't have a door but had a square 'U' shape to get it so someone could see you if you weren't behind the wall or in a stall. I then panicked and quietly said that I was actually a girl while sweating and still intensely panicking inside while trying to not give anything away. I was lucky and he didn't call a teacher or make a scene out of it and walked away. I was a mental mess for the rest of the day and spoke to almost no one about that.

I have a family that's thankfully relatively supportive with whatever I may decide to do for myself in terms of lgbt related things, but one of my problems is that they think me bringing up any desire to have surgeries or start testosterone treatment is a "lifestyle" and that I need to support myself even though I'm in absolutely no position to do so financially. In my opinion and rough knowledge, America isn't seeming like a very accommodating place for something like gender surgeries or hormone treatments as something that can be covered by health insurance.

I don't think being any sexuality or gender is a lifestyle and when they told me that I was surprised but also upset. I've told them that there are many, many resources online that talk in depth about many gender topics and I don't think they've ever done any research despite them being obviously uninformed about trans topics.

Despite me being unsure, I know that I don't want to be seen as my assigned gender. I had a small non-binary phase about 2 or 3 years ago and even though my parents were actually relatively accommodating to that, I didn't think it was right for me at the time so I went back to being cis since I didn't know what else to do without doing something that would make people ask me what was going on which I knew I wouldn't have an answer to, and I didn't even know if they would be supportive let alone what I was even talking about.

If I decide to come out about anything I think I would write a letter which someone recommended to me. It's direct in it's own way in my opinion but not in the anxiety inducing way I dread due to my social anxiety, even in front of my family.

My family on my dad's side is for the majority religious but only a few I would say are somewhat close to a possible extremist. Thankfully when I'm around them they're not actively forcing it onto me, but I always get that scared feeling around them when I think about even saying anything about being trans or anything else lgbt that they would reject me and not want me to be part of them family. I'm adopted and not really like anyone in my family in any way so I already felt like I don't belong in many places since I don't look like them. I know people would say that family isn't just from your own blood, but in my case I tend to feel differently.

My mom's side is a but better and we're more casual with any sort of religion. If I had to choose between my mom's or dad's side to come out to it would have to be my mom's because of how more relaxed they tend to be, but I still have my worries.

For anyone who winds up somehow reading this ridiculously lengthy post I thank you for doing so even though no one online knows who I am and they honestly didn't even have to read this. I have a bad habit of rambling and being overly descriptive when I tell people about things or write about it. If anyone who reads this has any advice in any way regarding my self conflicts and doubts, please let me know what you think. I don't really have any friends so finding someone to confide in is rather difficult to me.

Once again, thank you for reading this and if anyone can share their own experiences or just want to talk about stuff I'm okay with that too, since I know that not having friends sucks especially since the world is still out of order at the moment.

Bye!
 

Knoll

New member
Dec 9, 2021
6
6
3
USA
I feel your pain on the lifestyle comment. My mother who claims she is supportive said something the other day about how I have an "alternative lifestyle" (and all she knows is that I like girls lol). Also can relate to the healthcare is freaking expensive thing. Sorry that I don't really have any advice. As you can probably tell, I'm struggling with similar stuff.
 

xerixio

Member
Sep 15, 2021
42
42
18
15
ur dad
There's nothing wrong with being trans and gay... I know a few people like that. Gender and orientation are separate... You don't have to be trans and straight. Surgery's expensive, but if you think it'll help you, go for it!
 
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