Figuring my sexuality?

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Lesleyr

New member
Jan 14, 2022
2
0
1
IL
Hi,
I'm not exactly sure where I was supposed to post this because the forums are overwhelmingly packed, but here it is...

I'm 23 years old and I consider myself as an extremely emotional & lustful person. I have identified myself as a straight man for my entire life, and I have always have adored femininity, really, really bad. Though I'm afraid this kind of admiration is so strong that it began changing my sexuality, or so I believe? My admiration to femininity began making me fantasize about being a Lesbian woman myself. I believe it stems from the thought of "why just adore what you love when you can also be one?".

These kind of "fantasies" are expressed in the fact that I play roleplay video games online and most of my characters are lesbian female versions of myself. I just really like expressing femininity that way. I also really like it when people mistake me to be a female online (no, I don't catfish).

It is important for me to note that I am not denying my masculinity, and I have no problem "carrying myself as a man". It's just that I'd have preferred to be a lesbian woman if I could have chose my gender.

I am simply wondering what is my sexuality and if it has a name or falls under any category.
 
Last edited:

AudryLeigh

Administrator
Staff member
Paid Membership
Jan 2, 2022
74
79
18
Eugene, Oregon, USA
Hey Lesleyr,
No one chooses to be transsexual -- or gay -- or anything else. We're born this way. That being said, however, your story is very similar to my own. I eventually realized (at 50) that I was, in fact, a girl who had been (unfortunately) born into a boy's body. for 50 years, I [thought I] was a man. I too always adored women (I'm old, when I was your age the term "Lesbian" didn't exist). I was very good at being a man and, for a long time (50 years) never considered that I was anything else. I just loved and adored women -- and fantasized about being one. You are lucky in that the World is a different place now, and it's now not at all uncommon to be much more involved in who you really are. For the record, labels and categories are just words. We re all individuals and shouldn't (IMHO) put ourselves in pigeonholes based on labels and categories. I use labels, but I don't define myself by them. The labels that best describe me are "transsexual lesbian". At 50, it occurred to me that what I had always considered to be a strong feminine side might actually be the real "me." So I went out and bought a dress. When I slid into it and my head came out the top, I swear there was music, fairies, fairy dust, little bluebirds carrying pink ribbons... It was a "perfect, Walt Disney moment" (as in the Walt Disney of my youth, not what Disney is today -- Walt has been gone a long time now). And I was overwhelmed by a wave that washed over me and proclaimed, "My God, I'm HOME." I'd been (unknowingly) in denial for 50 years, so it hit me like a thunderbolt. In any case, at that point in my life, I began dressing as, acting like, and presenting myself as a woman -- and I was (luckily) accepted as such. I lived like that for six years, and loved every minute of it. I knew about medical transitioning, but just assumed that I was too old (silly girl -- I should have asked). Then Caitlyn Jenner hit the tabloids. I remembered Bruce Jenner from his Golden year at the Olympics, and knew he was my age, so I figured if he can do it, maybe I can too. So I asked my doctor about it. He said, "Never too old," and sent me to an endocrinologist who started me on testosterone blockers, and estrogen supplements (patches). That was five years ago. I've all but forgotten what it was like to be a man (it's been eleven years total since I have worn anything except a dress). Anyway, part of my point is that hormone therapy isn't a necessity. For people like me, it is the ultimate solution to their situation, but had Caitlyn Jenner never come along, I'd still be living my life as a woman, and I'd be completely happy and comfortable -- without hormones. I would never pretend to tell anyone who they are -- only they can really know, but to you I would say that you might want to seriously consider that you might be like me, a transsexual (or transgender) woman (a gay woman, or Lesbian). I'm an open book. I'll answer any question that is asked in good faith, no matter how personal (or painful) it may be. Feel free to PM me anytime -- about anything. Oh, and BTW, Welcome to the site.

Hugs,
Audry Leigh
 
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Lesleyr

New member
Jan 14, 2022
2
0
1
IL
Hey Lesleyr,
No one chooses to be transsexual -- or gay -- or anything else. We're born this way. That being said, however, your story is very similar to my own. I eventually realized (at 50) that I was, in fact, a girl who had been (unfortunately) born into a boy's body. for 50 years, I [thought I] was a man. I too always adored women (I'm old, when I was your age the term "Lesbian" didn't exist). I was very good at being a man and, for a long time (50 years) never considered that I was anything else. I just loved and adored women -- and fantasized about being one. You are lucky in that the World is a different place now, and it's now not at all uncommon to be much more involved in who you really are. For the record, labels and categories are just words. We re all individuals and shouldn't (IMHO) put ourselves in pigeonholes based on labels and categories. I use labels, but I don't define myself by them. The labels that best describe me are "transsexual lesbian". At 50, it occurred to me that what I had always considered to be a strong feminine side might actually be the real "me." So I went out and bought a dress. When I slid into it and my head came out the top, I swear there was music, fairies, fairy dust, little bluebirds carrying pink ribbons... It was a "perfect, Walt Disney moment" (as in the Walt Disney of my youth, not what Disney is today -- Walt has been gone a long time now). And I was overwhelmed by a wave that washed over me and proclaimed, "My God, I'm HOME." I'd been (unknowingly) in denial for 50 years, so it hit me like a thunderbolt. In any case, at that point in my life, I began dressing as, acting like, and presenting myself as a woman -- and I was (luckily) accepted as such. I lived like that for six years, and loved every minute of it. I knew about medical transitioning, but just assumed that I was too old (silly girl -- I should have asked). Then Caitlyn Jenner hit the tabloids. I remembered Bruce Jenner from his Golden year at the Olympics, and knew he was my age, so I figured if he can do it, maybe I can too. So I asked my doctor about it. He said, "Never too old," and sent me to an endocrinologist who started me on testosterone blockers, and estrogen supplements (patches). That was five years ago. I've all but forgotten what it was like to be a man (it's been eleven years total since I have worn anything except a dress). Anyway, part of my point is that hormone therapy isn't a necessity. For people like me, it is the ultimate solution to their situation, but had Caitlyn Jenner never come along, I'd still be living my life as a woman, and I'd be completely happy and comfortable -- without hormones. I would never pretend to tell anyone who they are -- only they can really know, but to you I would say that you might want to seriously consider that you might be like me, a transsexual (or transgender) woman (a gay woman, or Lesbian). I'm an open book. I'll answer any question that is asked in good faith, no matter how personal (or painful) it may be. Feel free to PM me anytime -- about anything. Oh, and BTW, Welcome to the site.

Hugs,
Audry Leigh
Hi Audry,
Thank you for the caring response and the overall warm welcoming. I honestly don't think that it is the right move for me to go the path of genderchanging as there are many things that I do like about being a man. Though yes, sometimes it just feels like "the real magic" is missing there, as if I was physically born as a woman it might have suited me more. I'm aware that we are all different and shouldn't be categorized, though I was still wondering what would be the best or closest label to describe what I feel? I believe that finding the right "term" will probably help me to stop questioning myself about the matter and allow me to accept my feelings.
 

AudryLeigh

Administrator
Staff member
Paid Membership
Jan 2, 2022
74
79
18
Eugene, Oregon, USA
Hey Lesleyr,

Don't forget, you're still young. I know at times it might not seem so, but at 74 (almost 75) I can assure you that you are, in fact, still young. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out, just don't get too hung up in details. Life is a journey -- enjoy it.

Hugs,
Audry Leigh
 
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Gigi

Active member
Jul 2, 2021
187
137
43
Brighton
Hey Lesleyr,

Don't forget, you're still young. I know at times it might not seem so, but at 74 (almost 75) I can assure you that you are, in fact, still young. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out, just don't get too hung up in details. Life is a journey -- enjoy it.

Hugs,
Audry Leigh

Hi Audry,

you can’t stop coquetting with your age, my young beauty. In my opinion you’re (mentally) much younger than your body might be.

In this context I would like to underline one point. Like you I myself came very late to terms with myself and to accept my alter ego.

Hi Lesleyr,

back to you: you’re still young and not to forget, sexuality is a fluent thing. You discovered yourself in a new way, why not trying with little steps to become happy that way? My boyfriend started with painted toenails....

Gigi
 

marko

New member
Oct 26, 2021
21
20
3
Mojave Desert
Hi Audry,
Thank you for the caring response and the overall warm welcoming. I honestly don't think that it is the right move for me to go the path of genderchanging as there are many things that I do like about being a man. Though yes, sometimes it just feels like "the real magic" is missing there, as if I was physically born as a woman it might have suited me more. I'm aware that we are all different and shouldn't be categorized, though I was still wondering what would be the best or closest label to describe what I feel? I believe that finding the right "term" will probably help me to stop questioning myself about the matter and allow me to accept my feelings.
Hi Lesleyr and welcome to the community. I must say, your words above sound so similar to lad I met on the previous version of this community. He's 23 or 24. After contacting to me, he began telling me a little about himself. He said that he had a feminine side of himself. Although he was quite adept at English, his first tongue is Arabic, I don't think he was able to clearly explain how he views himself. In fact, I don't think he really has a label for the way he thinks he is. And that bothered him.

When I read this post, I thought I was reading my friend's words. I felt kind of powerless to help, but I listened nevertheless. Lesleyr, you not alone in the world. Best wishes from CA.

Marko
 
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