Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

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OdinsHat

New member
Nov 17, 2021
9
5
3
Manchester
I'm in my late 30's and for most of my life since I finished uni I've remained tightly re-closeted after experiencing some terrifying homophobia from my first boss. It made living my life as a gay man quite difficult.

In my 20's I was a classic Twink with a good body. But I didn't really take advantage of my looks because I was living having to keep my sex life secret from my work life.

Because of these difficulties hiding my sexuality (I once had a straight boss join Grindr to see if he could find my profile cos he was convinced I was gay - it made life difficult). So I couldn't even join Grindr in my prime twink years and take advantage of my - erm - body's...'appeal'. Sorry I don't mean to sound arrogant!!! I was just a fitness nut who exercised every single day, so obviously my body was "healthy" looking - stating plain fact. I did have a sex life in uni but that was almost 20 years ago.

Then my 30's happened and I started to put on weight and lose my twinkness.

To put it bluntly these difficulties have stopped me from having ANY sexual activity for the past 15 YEARS!

Then Covid happened and I went from being a lithe 10.5-11st twink into a MASSIVE 18.5st tank in the space of a year.

Now I'm fat, in my late 30's and finally finding the confidence to come out - I think - but at the same time: Who the hell wants to have sex with a 38yr old fat puff like me? Who in the LGBT community - would even want to befriend me? We all know gay men tend to be fanatical about keeping fit and being disgusted by fat people - you see it in Grindr ads all the time. I think Attitude ran a study that showed 74% of gay men feel compelled to work out intensely to keep a certain level of attractiveness.

Not only am I finding it hard to lose this weight. I'm struggling to put myself out there for even basic friendship at this weight but at the same time I want to come out, be out and be accepted at this weight and as I lose the weight.

It's not even just about sex. I have literally ZERO (0) friends right now since I moved to Manchester. A new city I know no one in. I've thoguht about going to the variety of the local LGBT meetup events but I always think - "I'm a fat gay bastard - no one will want to know me".

Jesus - I sound so pathetic.

Blame the 15 year dry spell if you wish.

Apologies if this is TMI. But can someone offer some kind words, some comfort, anything?


Also if anyone knows a good forum to get advice and help regarding this I'd appreciate it.
 
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OdinsHat

New member
Nov 17, 2021
9
5
3
Manchester
It's also worth mentioning that because I was fat in high school I have serious issues with body weight and self esteem. It's why I became a fitness fanatic in my 20's. I didn't want to go back to that fat kid who got bullied in school. My 20's were great health-wise. But I can't seem to get back to that health without going out and I can't even bring myself to go out because of how ashamed I am of my weight. I go to Asda and back. That's all I'll do.

I know this is a big load of info as an introduction so if a mod thinks its better in a different forum feel free to move it.
 
I'm in my late 30's and for most of my life since I finished uni I've remained tightly re-closeted after experiencing some terrifying homophobia from my first boss. It made living my life as a gay man quite difficult.

In my 20's I was a classic Twink with a good body. But I didn't really take advantage of my looks because I was living having to keep my sex life secret from my work life.

Because of these difficulties hiding my sexuality (I once had a straight boss join Grindr to see if he could find my profile cos he was convinced I was gay - it made life difficult). So I couldn't even join Grindr in my prime twink years and take advantage of my - erm - body's...'appeal'. Sorry I don't mean to sound arrogant!!! I was just a fitness nut who exercised every single day, so obviously my body was "healthy" looking - stating plain fact. I did have a sex life in uni but that was almost 20 years ago.

Then my 30's happened and I started to put on weight and lose my twinkness.

To put it bluntly these difficulties have stopped me from having ANY sexual activity for the past 15 YEARS!

Then Covid happened and I went from being a lithe 10.5-11st twink into a MASSIVE 18.5st tank in the space of a year.

Now I'm fat, in my late 30's and finally finding the confidence to come out - I think - but at the same time: Who the hell wants to have sex with a 38yr old fat puff like me? Who in the LGBT community - would even want to befriend me? We all know gay men tend to be fanatical about keeping fit and being disgusted by fat people - you see it in Grindr ads all the time. I think Attitude ran a study that showed 74% of gay men feel compelled to work out intensely to keep a certain level of attractiveness.

Not only am I finding it hard to lose this weight. I'm struggling to put myself out there for even basic friendship at this weight but at the same time I want to come out, be out and be accepted at this weight and as I lose the weight.

It's not even just about sex. I have literally ZERO (0) friends right now since I moved to Manchester. A new city I know no one in. I've thoguht about going to the variety of the local LGBT meetup events but I always think - "I'm a fat gay bastard - no one will want to know me".

Jesus - I sound so pathetic.

Blame the 15 year dry spell if you wish.

Apologies if this is TMI. But can someone offer some kind words, some comfort, anything?


Also if anyone knows a good forum to get advice and help regarding this I'd appreciate it.
Oh dear, I would like to speak with you. How about a pic of this loner. How do I contact you? My e-mail; [email protected]
 
I'm in my late 30's and for most of my life since I finished uni I've remained tightly re-closeted after experiencing some terrifying homophobia from my first boss. It made living my life as a gay man quite difficult.

In my 20's I was a classic Twink with a good body. But I didn't really take advantage of my looks because I was living having to keep my sex life secret from my work life.

Because of these difficulties hiding my sexuality (I once had a straight boss join Grindr to see if he could find my profile cos he was convinced I was gay - it made life difficult). So I couldn't even join Grindr in my prime twink years and take advantage of my - erm - body's...'appeal'. Sorry I don't mean to sound arrogant!!! I was just a fitness nut who exercised every single day, so obviously my body was "healthy" looking - stating plain fact. I did have a sex life in uni but that was almost 20 years ago.

Then my 30's happened and I started to put on weight and lose my twinkness.

To put it bluntly these difficulties have stopped me from having ANY sexual activity for the past 15 YEARS!

Then Covid happened and I went from being a lithe 10.5-11st twink into a MASSIVE 18.5st tank in the space of a year.

Now I'm fat, in my late 30's and finally finding the confidence to come out - I think - but at the same time: Who the hell wants to have sex with a 38yr old fat puff like me? Who in the LGBT community - would even want to befriend me? We all know gay men tend to be fanatical about keeping fit and being disgusted by fat people - you see it in Grindr ads all the time. I think Attitude ran a study that showed 74% of gay men feel compelled to work out intensely to keep a certain level of attractiveness.

Not only am I finding it hard to lose this weight. I'm struggling to put myself out there for even basic friendship at this weight but at the same time I want to come out, be out and be accepted at this weight and as I lose the weight.

It's not even just about sex. I have literally ZERO (0) friends right now since I moved to Manchester. A new city I know no one in. I've thoguht about going to the variety of the local LGBT meetup events but I always think - "I'm a fat gay bastard - no one will want to know me".

Jesus - I sound so pathetic.

Blame the 15 year dry spell if you wish.

Apologies if this is TMI. But can someone offer some kind words, some comfort, anything?


Also if anyone knows a good forum to get advice and help regarding this I'd appreciate it.
I hope this is not coming too let. Someone's waving. +1(470) 851-4837
 

Gigi

Active member
Jul 2, 2021
187
137
43
Brighton
Thanks for the help. Fuck the world. Who needs people. I'll get a fucking dog instead.
Hi Odin,

it’s not the person, it’s the personality. Think of Mama Cass from the band The Mamas and the Papas: she was really a heavyweight, and she had a wonderful voice. She was impressive. Might be you’re a heavyweight too, but I’m sure you’re more than that. It’s damned bloody Covid, difficult to go outside, clubbing, make new friends; but on the other hand, don’t bury yourself at home. I’m sure you have your qualities, so don’t stop making yourself down: live has a lot to offer if you walk forward. Thumbs up. We’re with you.

Btw: a dog might be a good decision. When I’m walking the dog I often get in contact with other dog owners, making small talk and getting to know them. It’s not Grindr, but it’s social contacts, and due to the pandemic situation those are very restricted these days.

Gigi
 

OdinsHat

New member
Nov 17, 2021
9
5
3
Manchester
The only pic I'd consider posting is my face but I can't because I don't want to be identified. Unfortunately, I inherited my father's hair, which means I'm balding. So I shave my head to look younger-ish. I have a beard though. So in a way my hair migrated from my head to my face! :D That's all I'll say.

When I'm a healthy weight, I've been told I have nice facial structure - thankfully my objectively attractive mother gave me her cheekbones and eyes. They're there - under the rounding-effect of the fat.

Regarding my mood/mental health - I lost my job this week. So I've been wallowing in even greater depths of self pity. However, the good news is: I've made a firm decision to get back up off the mat that life punched me down to. RISE like a phoenix from the ashes and reigniite the spark of life I once had. I used to be a fitness fanatic. I used to be slim and fit. I can get back to that. It may take months. But I've done it before.

The advantage of being 38, I guess, is that I've been through shit like this before. I've got long term mental health issues. I've fallen quite badly into some serious pits of life-threatening despair. My mental diagnosis has a 10% mortality rate. I've seen the inside of a mental hospital, prison (for a night) but I've also won medals for fighting on a mat, run marathons after swearing up and down I could never run, owned companies, recovered from extreme debt, etc, etc.

So I know one thing is true about my character and it's this: no matter how hard life has kicked the shit out of me. I've always, without fail, got back up and hit back harder! Every time I've sunk low, I've risen higher than before I sunk.

If anything, hitting rock-bottom like this is a blessing in disguise. It's a wake up call. It triggers me to hyper-drive. It fires my engines. It kicks me out of self pity.

I've survived. Every. Damn. Time!

This time - is not different. I'm going to rise up and regain my self worth, confidence and esteem. Just like I always have!

I'll let you know - even f you forget about me I'll resurrect this post like I'll resurrect my life. I'll be back when I'm well and healthy and happy and on fire. I'll post a pic then, maybe.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gigi

Gigi

Active member
Jul 2, 2021
187
137
43
Brighton
The only pic I'd consider posting is my face but I can't because I don't want to be identified. Unfortunately, I inherited my father's hair, which means I'm balding. So I shave my head to look younger-ish. I have a beard though. So in a way my hair migrated from my head to my face! :D That's all I'll say.

When I'm a healthy weight, I've been told I have nice facial structure - thankfully my objectively attractive mother gave me her cheekbones and eyes. They're there - under the rounding-effect of the fat.

Regarding my mood/mental health - I lost my job this week. So I've been wallowing in even greater depths of self pity. However, the good news is: I've made a firm decision to get back up off the mat that life punched me down to. RISE like a phoenix from the ashes and reigniite the spark of life I once had. I used to be a fitness fanatic. I used to be slim and fit. I can get back to that. It may take months. But I've done it before.

The advantage of being 38, I guess, is that I've been through shit like this before. I've got long term mental health issues. I've fallen quite badly into some serious pits of life-threatening despair. My mental diagnosis has a 10% mortality rate. I've seen the inside of a mental hospital, prison (for a night) but I've also won medals for fighting on a mat, run marathons after swearing up and down I could never run, owned companies, recovered from extreme debt, etc, etc.

So I know one thing is true about my character and it's this: no matter how hard life has kicked the shit out of me. I've always, without fail, got back up and hit back harder! Every time I've sunk low, I've risen higher than before I sunk.

If anything, hitting rock-bottom like this is a blessing in disguise. It's a wake up call. It triggers me to hyper-drive. It fires my engines. It kicks me out of self pity.

I've survived. Every. Damn. Time!

This time - is not different. I'm going to rise up and regain my self worth, confidence and esteem. Just like I always have!

I'll let you know - even f you forget about me I'll resurrect this post like I'll resurrect my life. I'll be back when I'm well and healthy and happy and on fire. I'll post a pic then, maybe.
You’ll rise like a phoenix. I’m sure about that. Thumbs up!!!
 
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